The Good Words Update
Ephesians 4:29-32
“Change your words, change your world.”
That’s a powerful statement, isn’t it? As children of God, we of all people should know this is true. Yet how seriously do we embrace this challenge? For us, this is more than a business moniker or catchy slogan. It’s a challenge that’s equal to our calling as children of God who are called to reflect the nature and character of God through our lives.
In the beginning, nothing existed but God. Then God did something, I mean, he said something, and with his words he made the world. What’s more, he made a good world filled with vibrancy and color, diversity and life. Most importantly, he made people like you and me to reflect his creative character and good nature.
Not long after, Satan entered the picture and he did something, I mean, said something, too, and his words disrupted the world. He introduced badness and evil into the world, and death and division have reigned ever since. Most significantly, he lured us all away from our God-given purpose to reflect his good character and creative nature.
Can we see the power of words in redemptive history?
In fact, words are so powerful and significant that when Christ himself came into the world, the Son of God in human form, he was called the Word. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1).
As children of God, we should not underestimate the power of our words. The words of our Father are good and they are powerful, and the same is true for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Knowing these things we should not be surprised that as part of our call from God to an upgraded life, we must change the way we speak. So my question for us today is this:
Have we embraced the good words update?
Do we talk like we’re children of God? Do the words that we speak sound like the kind of things our heavenly Father would say, or do they sound like something ripped out of a late-night sitcom, a secular university lecture hall, an afternoon soap opera, or some pop rap lyrics?
Together, let’s take a close look at the “good words” update that every believer needs to embrace as Paul explained it to the church at Ephesus (Eph 4:29-32). He said, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
Don’t let bad words come out of our mouth.
That’s essentially what Paul is saying in Eph 4:29. Proceed means “to go, come, proceed, or travel out from somewhere.” For instance, envision a toll booth or border crossing station in your mind. For a person to pass through, he must first pay the required toll or show the proper paperwork. Otherwise, he won’t be able to proceed or pass through. He won’t be able to go out. He’ll have to stay inside the city or country where he is, and that’s how we should handle our words. We shouldn’t let bad words out of our mouth.
Now imagine with me that you work at a food store or meat market, stocking the shelves with produce and supplies. In this role, what should you do with the following items when you see them in the storage room? Wilted flowers. Stale bread. Rotten fruit. Moldy vegetables. Rancid fish. Spoiled beef. Smelly chicken. Should you take them out of storage and put them on the shelves for sale or throw them away?
That’s what this word corrupt means, something like rotten fruit and rancid fish meat. If you want to know what kind of words this description is referring to, just listen to the things that people say into their phones on the subway. Bad words come out of their mouths right and left. Corrupt speech is a normal way of life for nonbelievers, but not for us.
Take note that Paul is not just condemning the use of bad vocabulary words, as in don’t use cuss words or explicit language. He’s also condemning bad phrases, statements, lines of reasoning, and arguments, too. Sometimes bad communication doesn’t use bad words, but it uses normal words to say bad things. As believers, we should…
Let good words come out of our mouth instead.
But describes the opposite of whatever comes before it, and this time it leads to the opposite of corrupt words. As children of God, we should only let good words out. We should say the kind of things that God our Father would say if he were “in our shoes,” so to speak. We should talk like our heavenly Father, with good words.
While this is true, there’s something more going on here. Paul is saying something more specific than just “say good things.” He adds, “but what is good for necessary edification.”
The word edification is a construction word. It’s a word about building something, one piece at a time. If you’re a kid (or you’ve been a kid), you know what it’s like to play with Legos. When you get a new set, you open the box and the plastic bags with pieces inside. Then you follow the instructions, step by step, to build what’s on the front of the box.
As you know, it’s important to follow the instructions. If you get out of order or add the wrong pieces at the wrong time, you’ll run into problems and won’t be able to build the kit properly. That’s where the word necessary comes into play.
In these instructions, Paul is being very specific. He is teaching us to assess and observe various situations so that we don’t just eliminate bad words and we don’t just speak good words, but that we say the words that are needed at the moment when a conversation is taking place. I appreciate how one commentator explains this. He says, “Believers should be attentive to the emotional needs and concerns facing their brothers and sisters and then focus comments on encouraging and affirming them.”[1] That’s what Paul means.
We should ask ourselves the question, “What’s something good I can say right here, right now to help my fellow believer add the next necessary thought, learn the next helpful idea, and recognize the next good perspective he or she needs to be built up and make spiritual progress in his or her Christian life.
Paul goes on to say something quite astounding, “That it may impart grace to the hearers.” Have you ever had someone give you a “green handshake?” Do you know what that is? It’s when someone shakes your hand and puts some cash in your hand when they do.
When we speak to one another, we should give each other a “grace handshake,” only with our words. We should say things that actually pass along the very grace of God into their lives, from our mouths into their ears. Just as pipes bring water to our faucets and UPS trucks bring packages to our door, so our words should deliver the grace of God to one another. Sometimes we need to realize that God’s grace is not as mystical as we imagine. It’s transferred in a very tangible format, through the sound waves of our words.
So, let’s ask ourselves this important but sensitive question, “What’s coming out of our mouths these days?” “If our mouths are like refrigerators, what’s coming out when we open the door through our conversations with one another?” “Are we serving one another some rotten fruit and spoiled meat? Or are we serving one another the grace of God, in the meals and portions we that need right now?”
Tt’s not just about “speaking the truth,” but speaking the truth in the right dosage and in the right way – that’s how we build each other up as members in the body of Christ and that’s how we build up the church to the glory of God.
Let’s not make the Holy Spirit sad.
When we say things, it’s important to know who we’re speaking to, isn’t it? This is especially true because no matter who we’re speaking to, especially if they’re a brother or sister in Christ, we’re also speaking to one more person– the Holy Spirit of God. That’s why Paul warns us, “Do not grieve the Spirit of God.”
When we say corrupt, insensitive, inappropriate things, we not only damage the building process that’s going on in one another’s lives (we actually do some demolition instead of construction), but we also cause another negative effect, we “grieve” the Holy Spirit.
The word grieve mean something like “to distress, insult, offend, or make sad.” It’s like making God wince or cry, which is not a good thing to do. As an aside, this concept also gives a clue revealing that the Spirit of God is not just a wind, breath, or force, as Jehovah’s Witnesses claim. After all, a force doesn’t cry, wind doesn’t have emotions, and breath doesn’t have a moral awareness. Since we can grieve the Spirit of God, then he is both a divine and personal being, just as God the Father and God the Son.
Now, why does this happen? Why does the Spirit grieve when we use bad words and fail so use words that are appropriate for the moment? Well, because he “sealed” us “for the day of redemption.” This statement reveals at least two important facts we need to know.
First, the Spirit is with us. He is joined to us like a royal wax seal was stamped onto an official document in the first century. So, in all of our conversations, the Spirit is there, and this reality is heightened and intensified when we’re speaking to other believers who are also sealed by the Spirit. There is never a time that God is not listening to our words.
Second, the seal of the Spirit is permanent. This fact not only gives us assurance that he is always there, but it gives us assurance that we will always belong to him. “For the day of redemption” refers to that future time when God will judge all wickedness and establish his kingdom forever, which will include giving us glorified bodies which are free from sin.
When we consider the permanence of the Spirit’s seal on our life, we receive great assurance that our salvation is secure forever. But let’s think about the seal of the Spirit from God’s perspective. To do this, we need to review how the Spirit responded to believers in the Old Testament (OT), at least in a certain way.
In Isa 63:10, we read this description about how the people of Israel grieved the Spirit of God in the wilderness. They did this by speaking disrespectful words against Moses their God-given leader and complaining, discontented words against God. Here’s what the prophet Isaiah said about how their corrupt words affected their relationship to the Spirit of God. “They rebelled and grieved his Holy Spirit; therefore he turned to be their enemy, and himself fought against them.”
What in this verse that stands in contrast to the Spirit’s permanent seal in our lives today? In the OT, when they grieved the Spirit, he switched roles. Rather than caring for and protecting them, he became their enemy instead. Yet today, he doesn’t do this.
We are children of God through faith in Christ. Therefore the Spirit is committed to us permanently. He cannot become our enemy, even if we behave ourselves in such a way that deserves it. Since we are permanently sealed by the Spirit of God, he cannot depart when we speak in ungodly, inappropriate ways. So, he winces and shrinks back, grieves and sheds tears instead because he cannot go away.
Stay away from escalating tensions.
In our efforts to speak good words and silence bad ones, to be channels of grace to one another and a source of gladness for the Spirit of God, we should learn to stay away from crazy cycles and escalating tensions that come from our sin nature. To help us diagnose how this happens, Paul describes a series of escalating tensions that are all too familiar in our lives. Though this is a frequent, regular experience for nonbelievers, it is also an unfortunate experience in our lives as well, yet we need to overcome it.
This sequence of escalating tension that Paul describes begins with bitterness. If unchecked, this bitterness leads to wrath and anger. If still unchecked, this anger leads clamor. If still unchecked, this clamor leads to evil speaking. Then, if still unchecked, this evil speaking may lead to more kinds of wrong, severe behavior. So, what is bitterness?
Bitterness refers to an inner, seething feeling of resentment. It’s what happens inside of us when we refuse to let go of the hurts in our past and choose to keep thinking about them, letting them replay in our minds over and over again. Heb 12:15 describes it as a “root” that grows its tentacles deep into our lives, with the eventual result that bad and harmful qualities and behaviors sprout up out of our lives and damage others in the end.
Wrath and anger are two words that the New Testament (NT) often pairs together. For that reason, it’s best not to break them down into separate “steps” in this negative progression, but to view them together. By pairing them together, Paul also distinguishes this kind of bad anger from the good anger he teaches us to exhibit previously, the kind that is angry over wickedness and injustice, but for a short period of time and in a way that doesn’t result in sinful actions of our own (Eph 4:26).
These words describe the mental and emotional state of a person who has allowed his or her resentment to harden into hatred. Think of it this way. If bitterness is like a pot of water simmering on the stove, then anger and clamor are what happens when that same pot boils over. This person escalates from inner resentment to strong feelings of hatred and occasional words and outbursts that are angry and hurtful.
The word clamor takes this progression a stage further. If a person doesn’t turn their anger over to God, then they’ll eventually become susceptible to loud, intense outbursts of rage. This word means “yelling,” “screaming,” or “shrieking.” It may also be described as verbal abuse and may also accompany physical abuse. This is volatile, violent stage of unresolved bitterness and demonstrates the kind of anger we should not allow in our lives because it causes us to sin and gives Satan a foothold.
The word evil speaking advances (or regresses) the progression even more. It refers to someone who has become so upset with another person that they resort to slandering their reputation and spreading information that will damage other people’s view of them, whether true or false. In the secular and political world, we might call this unmasking, spreading blackmail, or launching a smear campaign.
As Christians, we can do this in more “spiritual” ways. We ask people to “pray” for so-and-so, then we give the request in such a way that makes the other person sound really bad. Or we air our complaints in public hoping that other people will feel sorry for us and get on our side, while adopting the same miserable perspective as us about the person we resent. There is a time and a way to get help when you’re experiencing relationship troubles, but this should be done in a discreet and loving way that seeks genuine help from those who are prepared to do so. Let’s be clear, “smear campaigns” grieve the Spirit of God and are a form of putrid words that should never pass through a Christian’s lips.
Unlike the previous words, the phrase with all malice doesn’t refer to a particular action, but it expands the possibilities of what may happen next. People who launch smear campaigns may themselves end up doing any number of other sins, which may end up being worse than the sins that others have committed against them. Once you allow yourself to ride the rollercoaster of bitterness into the dark mountains of anger, clamor, and slander, there’s no telling what dark places you will go to in the end.
So that’s why we need to take a better approach. We need to “nip it at the bud” as my parents used to say and get ourselves out of the crazy cycle of bitterness, anger, clamor, slander, and sin. We need to respond like Jesus because we’re God’s children, but how does that work? What does that look like? What is this “good words” update that we need?
Respond in a Christlike, countercultural way.
I say “countercultural,” because this is not the way the world teaches us to respond. When people let you down, don’t let the root of bitterness grow in your heart. You know, I hate to break it to you, but even in the family of God, the church, we let each other down.
I was raised as a pastor’s kid. The church my parents attended when I was a toddler was a big, influential church in Gary, IN. But in various ways, some things happened there that let our family down and gave us a bad taste for church.
I wish I could tell you that this one experience was isolated and never happened again. Well, technically, the same thing on the same scale didn’t happen again, but many times, in various churches all throughout my life, there are believers here or there who’ve let me down. People I viewed with respect did things or said things that saddened my heart, hurt my feelings, and threatened to discourage and dishearten me in various ways.
My point here is not to portray the church or Christianity in a negative way, not at all. Nor do I want to go on a “smear campaign” against anybody, so I’m not naming any churches or people here, just speaking in general terms. However, I do want to be honest so that if you’ve had similar experiences with churches or Christians, I hope what I’m saying here helps you know that I empathize with you. You’re not alone in what you’ve gone through.
But here’s my point. Life is tough. Life as a Christian is tough, too, maybe even tougher. So if you’re not interested in a challenging road, then maybe you shouldn’t follow Christ. If you’ve got thin skin and are easily offended, then maybe you don’t have what it takes to be a true disciple. I think that disqualifies all of us. What we need is the grace of God.
You see, Paul doesn’t guarantee an easy road when it comes to relationships in the church. Instead, he offers a new approach to a challenging road. It is the way of Christ. It is the way that anticipates problems but plans to handle them in a brand-new way, the way that God himself would handle them. Paul describes this new approach to relationship problems this way:
Be kind, be tenderhearted, and forgive.
Be kind means to – are you ready for this – be nice. Wow, how deep is that? Well, when someone hasn’t treated you well, that’s pretty deep? It’s hard to be nice to un-nice people, especially ones who are Christians because you expect so much better from them. I say “especially Christians” because Paul says “to one another” twice in this verse. Why is this important? Because – other believers are going to let you down.
No matter how another believer speaks to or treats us, it is our obligation before God to respond to him or her with kindness as our brother or sister in Christ. You know how brothers and sisters in a family treat each other? One takes a toy from another and so the other rips that toy back out of their hands. One makes a nasty comment to the other, so the other goes and tattles on them to their parents and then returns to the room and makes a nasty “I told Mom” look to the other. That’s how it goes, doesn’t it?
Sadly, though, that’s how it goes with us “grown up” Christians, too. We treat our Christian spouses this way and we can treat each other in the church this way. But let’s be different at Faith Baptist Church. When one of us lets another of us down somehow, let’s refuse to harbor bitterness in our hearts. Instead, let’s continue to show the niceness and kindness of Christ because no matter what they’ve said or done, they’re still our brother or sister in Christ. Let’s be kind to one another. Make a nice phone call, do a kind deed, meet a need, and speak well of them to others. Be kind, not bitter.
Be tenderhearted. This refers more to our attitude than our actions. It describes a compassionate heart. It means that when another believer lets us down, we respond to that brother or sister in Christ with some careful self-reflection.
We should ask ourselves questions like, “Hmm, I wonder why he thinks that way, or spoke that way, or feels that way?” “What has she experienced in the past that causes her to be like this?” “What might he be going through right now that makes things so hard for him that he would treat me like that?” “Is there any way that I’ve done or said something to her that was just as hurtful if not more? If so, how can I resolve it?” “Are there some cultural differences, wrong teachings, or personal hardships that have had a negative impact on his life? If so, how can I make sure that I don’t burn my bridge and that I will be there for him in the future if the opportunity arises?”
You see, rather than rush to judgment and plant that seed of bitterness deep into the garden bed of our heart, we should embrace a mindset of love and compassion, empathy and understanding towards one another – not just when our relationships are in mint condition, but especially when they’re being challenged. The strength of a church is not that difficulties don’t occur in our relationships. The strength of a church is that we know how to handle those difficulties God’s way.
Forgive one another. Once again, the “one another” makes an appearance. Why? Because the assumption is that along the way, we’re going to offend one another here and there. So rather than bailing out whenever it occurs, we should forgive instead. “To forgive” means to “cancel a debt” and to do so generously, not in a stingy, reticent way.
You see, if a brother or sister in our church says something hurtful to me then asks me to forgive him, I shouldn’t stand back and say, “Hmm, let me think about that. Let me analyze your facial expressions, your tone of voice, and your perceived intentions here. Let me think about this.” No, our response should be instantaneous and generous. “Of course I forgive you! You won’t hear me bringing that up again. Don’t you lose any sleep over that thing ever again. I forgive you brother. I forgive you sister. I’m just glad to be your brother or sister in Christ.”
Just. Move. On.
You see, the world makes apologizing and forgiveness hard. They expect heavy repayment. They expect us to come crawling on our hands and knees begging for forgiveness. They expect more in return than they gave us in the first place, and they want to hold out the possibility of bringing up our failure again, leveraging it against us. But that’s not the Christian way at all.
How many times should a Christian forgive? That’s what Christ’s first disciples asked him. “Peter came to him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt 18:21-22). This was his way of saying, “As many times as necessary.” Are we taking that approach?
We might ask, “So what is forgiving?” Well, it’s not forgetting. That’s a common misconception. No one can forget everything automatically. Not even God can forget in the simple sense because he knows everything at all times! So, instead of forgetting, forgiving simply means to “release” or “let go.” It’s a conscious choice not to bring up someone else’s wrong against them in the future, but to leave it in the past.
Though this may sound impossible and even a bit over the top, let’s be honest. It may be hard to do for others, but it’s what we need and want from others for us, right? Even more importantly, it’s what we need from God – and what we get from God. That’s why Paul says, “Even as God in Christ forgave you.”
By sending Christ to die on the cross for your sins in your place, God offered what kind of forgiveness? First, it was undeserved. Second, it was complete. Third, it was irreversible. Since we’ve all been forgiven by God through Christ, then we have every reason in the world to treat each other the same way. We should offer to one another undeserved, complete, and irreversible forgiveness that we don’t go back on.
If we don’t, what’s the alternative? Bitterness, anger, clamor, and yelling. So here’s the “good words” update we need. We need to say, “I forgive you,” in a loop cycle if need be, for that’s how God has forgiven us in Christ, and with these words, we can change the world. The beauty of the church is not that we always behave excellently, but that we know how to respond to one another no matter what. Let’s pray.
[1] Clinton E. Arnold, Ephesians, Zondervan Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010), 305.
