Submission with Christ in Mind
Ephesians 5:22-24
Some news is easy to give and easy to receive.
Such news requires no diplomacy and very little tact, as when a doctor gives a patient a clean bill of health or a high-school or college student informs her parents that she’s earned high marks in her classes. Other news is hard to give and hard to receive. Such news requires you to speak carefully and listen quietly, as when a doctor reveals a critical prognosis or a student reveals to his parents that he’s earned low marks in his classes.
We face a similar enigma with the Bible. Some of the things that Scripture says, at least at face value, are viewed favorably by people in general. “Love your neighbor as yourself.” “Do justice to the afflicted and needy.” “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” While truths like these are generally well received, by believers and nonbelievers alike, other truths make us nervous and uneasy.
Wives submit to your own husbands.
Eph 5:22 is one such passage. When we hear it, we think, “Yes but …,” and come up with a bunch of thoughts that make it sound more acceptable. Thanks to the negative influence of feminism, secularism, strong cultural tendencies, and the bad, uninspiring examples of our own parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles in their marriage relationships, the teaching of Eph 5:22 and marriage as a whole makes us nervous.
Just as a doctor must reveal the truth of a critical prognosis, no matter how hard it may be for a patient to receive, we must take whatever God tells us to heart and put it into practice in our lives, no matter how inconvenient it may be. The hard, uncomfortable, unpopular commands of Christ test the integrity of our allegiance to him.
As we approach a passage like Eph 5:22-24, we should listen with a firm resolve to do whatever it says. After all, we shouldn’t obey the Lord because it’s convenient, popular, or personally beneficial.
We should do whatever Christ says because he is Lord.
To understand what God says here to Christian wives, we must first pay attention to how these instructions fit into the flow of the letter as a whole.
First, Paul gives these instructions to wives as a subset of his instructions to the church. The letter as a whole teaches how we all glorify God through one body, which is the church. We’ve been united to God by grace through faith in Christ, and in Christ we are all equally favored by God as children in his spiritual, heavenly family.
As a church united together in Christ, we should serve one another through teaching and other means, putting our spiritual gifts to action so that the church grows stronger and larger for Christ’s sake. As we worship and serve together, we should be aware that the Holy Spirit is among us and desires to guide our lives in God’s will through Scripture.
One of the primary results of this is happening in our lives is that we “submit to one another” (Eph 5:21). We do this by yielding the right of way to other members of the church, elevating their needs, opinions, and preferences over our own.
Submissive wives are a mark of a Spirit-filled church.
Regarding the flow of this letter and Paul’s particular placement of these instructions to wives, he offers them as a primary example and specific application of being “filled with the Spirit” with the result that we are “submitting to one another.” What does it look like to “submit to one another?” Well, wives will submit to their husbands. This is a mark of a Spirit-filled church, and a church whose wives are independent-minded, self-assertive, and outspoken, resisting the leadership of their husbands, is not a Spirit-filled church.
Which is easier for a Christian wife to do: participate in some ministries at church or follow her husband’s leadership at home? You see, it’s possible for a wife to seem spiritually minded when she sings in the choir, gives testimonies in the worship service, serves in the nursery, or teaches in SS. Yet, this is not the only test of her spirituality. She must also consider how she responds to her husband at home, in the framework of their family.
Can we sense the hypocrisy of wives who sing, speak, and serve in church but resent or resist their husbands at home? When this occurs (it occurs a lot), such women actually weaken the spiritual integrity and undermine the mission of their church. Remember, the Spirit of God is omnipresent and indwells us wherever we go. Though the members of a church see a wife’s behavior in public, the Holy Spirit sees her behavior at all times.
As the family goes so goes the church.
The spiritual health of our families affects the spiritual health of our church and vis versa, and our spiritual health determines how well we reflect God’s glory to the world. We cannot divorce our church and family relationships from each other. Strong, Christ-centered, Spirit-dependent marriages strengthen the church. Weak, self-focused, flesh-driven marriages weaken it and diminish God’s glory.
In this brief section of the letter, Paul prescribes a way to improve the spiritual health of the church by improving the spiritual health of its families. “Wives submit to your own husbands” (Eph 5:22). He repeats this guidance at the close of this section saying, “Let the wives be [submissive] to their own husbands” (Eph 5:24). By giving this instruction at the start of this section and echoing it again at the end, he emphasizes its importance.
What does it mean to submit? This word speaks of structural order in social relationships. As such, it speaks of the way that various roles and positions in life relate to one another, but it does not speak about inherent value.
- A soldier submits to his commanding officer, not because the officer is better than him but because that’s how their roles are assigned to function.
- A student submits to her teacher, not because the teacher is better than her but because that’s how their roles are arranged to function.
- From God’s perspective, then, a wife submits to her husband, not because he is better than her but because that’s how God designed the marriage roles to function.
It’s important to know that submit (ὑποτάσσω) differs from obey (ὑπακούω). Children obey parents out of duty and obligation, but wives submit to husbands voluntarily. Wives should submit to their husbands by choice not coercion. They should seek neither to control, dictate, nor manipulate the decisions and leadership of their husbands.
Wives have a challenging role.
After they express their feelings, concerns, and opinions, they must step aside to let their husbands make final decisions for their families. They also face the challenge of not just letting their husbands make final decisions, but of getting behind those decisions rather than criticizing, pushing back, and finding ways to sabotage their husbands’ choices.
Perhaps this submission is not so difficult when the decisions in view are like what restaurant to go to for dinner, what movie to watch, or what presents to buy the kids at Christmas. Sadly, though, major marriage tensions erupt over minor decisions like these quite frequently, though they should not. One reason this problem occurs is that the wife is not being mindful and sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s presence in her life.
Submission gets harder as the magnitude of decisions increase.
The more deeply and directly a husband’s choices affect his wife’s career, finances, sense of security, and children, the harder it is for her to accept his choices and follow his lead. Yet even in the more significant choices of marriage and family life, wives should accept and support their husbands’ choices.
Why is submission important? To answer this question, Paul does not give a pragmatic reason. A pragmatic reason emphasizes positive results like the following:
- You’ll make a positive impact on society
- You’ll be a happier person
- You’ll strengthen your marriage
- You’ll get what you want more often
- You’ll raise good children
Wives should submit to their husbands for theological reasons.
Though some of these things may occur (though not always), Paul says that wives should submit to their husbands “as to the Lord” (Eph 5:22). He also says, “Just as the church is subject to Christ” (Eph 5:24). From these words, we see that Paul is emphasizing the theological and doctrinal reasons for why wives should submit to their husbands.
This is a key observation because it draws attention to how we make choices in our lives. Do we make difficult decisions out of respect for God – who he is and what he says – or out of respect for ourselves? We have this tendency, even as Christians, to do things that honor God, but only when we’ve ensured that those things are convenient for us first.
We do the same thing in marriage. We submit to our husbands, for instance, when we agree with their decisions or when they’re being nice to us. Yet we change course when our husbands make choices that contradict our opinions, require us to change plans, place us in a challenging spot, or contradict popular opinions. This is not biblical submission. Biblical submission submits whether or not it’s comfortable or convenient.
This teaching applies to all kinds of husbands.
This teaching doesn’t specify, “Submit to your husband only if he’s a Christian,” or, “… if he’s an incredible godly person,” or, “if he’s been nice to you this week,” or, “if he’s smarter than you.” This truth applies to wives whose husbands may not be saved and who may be less mature, godly, talented, intelligent, or professional than their wives.
“As to the Lord” does not mean that wives should treat their husbands as though they are the Lord. No husband should ever usurp Christ’s authority or be treated on an equal level with the Lord. For this reason, a wife should not submit to her husband if his decision or leadership requires her to sin. She shouldn’t lie, steal, or murder for instance because her husband tells her, too. That would not be submitting “as to the Lord.”
In many instances, however, this is not always the dilemma that Christian wives are facing. In so many cases, the problem is not that a husband is requiring his wife to sin, it’s either (a) a husband is actually providing godly, biblical leadership and the wife is unwilling to follow or (b) a husband is making decisions that are either insensitive, inconvenient, frustrating, or unwise.
In the case of (a), the Christian wife should recognize that the Lord is using her husband to guide her in the right direction. She should respect the fact that he’s making tough choices. She should recognize her own spiritual weaknesses and immaturity and follow his lead rather than arguing with him, manipulating him, accusing him of hypocrisy, bringing up past failures, or refusing to cooperate. She should thank God for a husband who wants to do right in the situation at hand.
In the case of (b), the Christian wife should also submit to her husband even though he may not be making the best choice. In fact, it’s possible that in some cases the husband may actually be making the best decision. But regardless of who has the better idea, the more mature perspective, the more spiritual mindset, or the wiser plan, the wife should submit to her husband. Consider the following examples of when submission applies:
- A wife wants to deposit money from the refund of a joint tax return into a college savings plan for their child, but her husband wants to invest that money in a risky stock purchase instead.
- A wife wants to spend Christmas Day with her side of the family, noting that she and her husband spent Thanksgiving Day with his side of the family that same year. He wants to stay at home for a low-key, private Christmas instead.
- A wife wants to rent a house with a private washer and dryer and larger kitchen, but her husband wants to move into an apartment that requires a laundromat because the rent is cheaper, and the location is closer to his work.
- A wife wants to stay at home and homeschool the kids, but her husband wants her to find employment and would rather send the kids to a school nearby.
In each of these scenarios – and I could suggest so many more – the wife could make a moderate to strong case that she is pulling for a fair, reasonable, and even better or wiser decision than her husband. You can also see how the husband may be wanting something unfair or ill-advised.
In all these cases, the wife should share her views and weigh in on the decision. Yet she should submit to her husband’s final decision, not because she respects the decision, and not even because she respects her husband, but because she respects the Lord.
In the middle of this section, Paul lays a further doctrinal foundation for his instructions to Christian wives, which admittedly may be hard to swallow. He writes, “For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church; and he is the Savior of the body (Eph 5:23). This foundational concept is important because it shows us the spiritual and contemporary relevance of this teaching for our marriages today.
Critics claim these instructions are old and obsolete.
These may suggest that Paul is speaking about something rooted in some ancient, outdated Old Testament (OT) tradition. Or they may suggest that Paul is merely adapting to the culture of his first-century world. Then others of us simply feel like Paul is giving some antiquated, out-of-touch instructions that are longer fit in our modern world.
Think about it. If any of us framed these verses in our cubicle at work or promoted them on Instagram, we’d get some fascinating feedback for sure. These are not popular ideas, but when have they ever been popular? In fact, just after Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, God predicted that wives would struggle to let their husbands lead
The influence of sin embedded in our nature encourages wives to resent their husbands’ leadership. To the woman God said, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Gen 3:16). This is a poetic way of saying that wives will struggle to respect their husbands’ leadership role and will have a strong desire to overrule his decisions. So, while Paul is not just promoting some outdated OT or 1st century custom here, he is addressing an ancient, historic problem that has pervaded since the beginning.
That said, Eph 5:23 further corrects the mistaken idea that Paul is speaking in outdated terms by drawing a clear, theological connection between wives submitting to their husbands and this present church age in which we live. This connection makes it clear that “wives submit to your husbands” are for today and are in fact crucial now more than ever. These are New Testament (NT), church age truths and are far more relevant and advanced than any marriage philosophy we’ll find in secular psychology. So, the next time you’re tempted to dismiss this teaching about submission as outdated and irrelevant for today, remember that it’s tied by God to the teaching of the church today.
Paul uses “headship” terminology.
This concept refers to God-given, assigned roles in the structure of this world. Just as God has given your physical head the role of making choices for the rest of your physical body, so he has given Christ the role of leading all creation (Eph 1:22). He has also given Christ the role as head of the church in this world, so he leads us and we follow his Word carefully, not vis versa (Eph 4:15-16). In a similar way, God has given husbands the role of leadership in the marriage relationship.
About this God-ordained arrangement, we must make an important clarification. Men are not the leaders in marriages because they’re inherently better. They’re the leaders because God gave them this role as a matter of structure and order. Just because our fleshly nature and secular culture glamorizes leadership shouldn’t cause us to do the same. Leaders are not inherently better, smarter, or more successful. Being the husband or leader of a home is nothing to desire. It’s simply a role that makes final decisions.
Wives follow husbands as the church follows Christ.
We should draw inspiration for our marriage relationships from more than God’s original design for marriage and gender roles (which is inspiration enough). We should also look at how the church follows the leadership of Christ. Following Christ is not always easy, is it? Yet it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes following Christ is costly. He leads us to do some difficult, life-altering things that the world may view as foolish.
Here Paul reminds us that Christ deserves our submission as believers in the church because unlike husbands, he is more than our leader, he’s our Savior, too. How many husbands can perform to that level, right? No husband can (yet as we’ll see in subsequent verses, we should follow Christ’s example and love our lives in Christlike way).
At great cost, humiliation, loss, and pain, Christ delivered us from sin, death, hell, this world, and Satan. He purchased us from slavery to sin and placed us in God’s heavenly family. Who can argue against the church’s obligation to follow Christ’s leadership, even when he gives difficult commands and calls for costly sacrifice? Without him we would die in our sins and without his saving work, there would be no church at all.
It’s here that some of us may object, “Yes, Christ deserves our submission, but some of our husbands do not. Some of our Christian husbands are poor examples of leadership and some of our husbands aren’t Christians at all.” I think Paul recognizes this object when he says, “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ …”
Therefore is a Greek word frequently translated as a strong form of the word but (like the word but today in all caps and italics). If we read Eph 5:24 this way, we see that though Paul gives us Christ’s sacrificial love for us as the basis for the church’s submission to him, he doesn’t uphold a husband’s virtues as the basis for a wife’s submission. Instead, he refers to the church and Christ again. This understanding fits well with what Paul already said in Eph 5:22, that wives should submit to their husbands “as to the Lord.”
Let me be clear. Christian husbands should definitely love their wives in a Christlike, sacrificial way. We should love our wives like Christ loves the church. (We’ll talk more about this teaching in future studies from Eph 5:25-32.) Yet Christian wives should not (let me emphasize, should not) condition their submission on whether their husband lives up to this expectation. (The reverse is also true, that a Christian husband should not condition his expression of love on whether his wife submits to his leadership.)
A wife should not make her husband “earn” her respect.
She should support her husband’s choices and leadership whether he is an exemplary husband or not. She should submit to her husband not because he deserves respect, but because the Lord deserves respect. We submit to our husbands out of respect to Christ.
Framed in a different way, we should submit to our husbands because the only one who deserves our respect – our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ – tells us to do so. It shows our respect for Christ. Let. That. Sink. In. Not to submit to your husband’s leadership is not to submit to Christ.
A wife should submit to her husband in everything.
To make this clear, Paul adds a small phrase to the end of this teaching section to wives in the church. He says, “In everything.” Read that again, “In everything.” In Greek, this reads literally as “in all” or “in all [things],” and it’s kind of a shocking addition, isn’t it?
To understand what Paul is getting at here, let me share with you this helpful explanation from Bible commentator, Clinton Arnold:
“A wife should cultivate an attitude of affirming, supporting, and respecting her husband’s leadership in the marriage without holding back certain areas where she wants to assert or maintain control. Once again, it must be remembered that Paul is not using the verb “obey” (ὑπακούω) as he does for the other relationships in the household (see 6:1, 5). Thus, it is inappropriate to argue that a wife should receive orders from her husband, be forced to engage in any kind of sinful activities or behaviors or be victimized by abuse.”[1]
This explanation captures what Paul is teaching. As we’ve already observed, Christian wives should not submit to their husbands in scenarios that require them to sin. Nor is she required to do things that puts her life at risk.
Apart from such clear disclaimers, a wife should not make statements or adopt a mindset that says to her husband things like the following:
- “I’ll let you make the decisions about our finances, but I reserve the right to veto any decisions about the children’s education.”
- “I’m willing to spend personal time together with you every other weekend but leave me alone during the week because I’m not available.”
- “I’ll let you make decisions about where to go for our annual vacation, but you have to let me decide where we go for the holidays.”
- “I’ll let you decide where we live, but once that’s decided, I’ll make up my own mind whether to get a job of my own or not whether you like it or not.”
Christian wives should make decisions like these in close concert with their husbands and with a desire to follow his lead in the final decision. Most husbands don’t deserve this kind of respect, if any, but it’s the role God gives them, nonetheless. Wives should let their husbands lead out of respect for Christ (who deserves to be followed because of who he is) and as Savior (who deserves to be followed because of what he has done).
Perhaps you feel this “submission thing” is unfair.
In some cases (esp. when a husband is not leading well) it may certainly seem that way. And no matter how we cut it, this is a countercultural concept to the core. That’s why the “as to the Lord” becomes a necessary consideration because it reminds wives to submit to their husbands out of respect for the Lord.
How can we claim that anything is unfair when we consider who Christ is and what he has done for us? This is why we need to ground our perspectives on marriage in a deep and profound doctrinal and theological awareness of Christ and with full reliance on the Holy Spirit. Apart from this biblical perspective, marriage won’t make much sense.
Before we wrap up our look at this teaching to wives, let me give some final remarks.
Submit to your own husbands.
First, Paul doesn’t say, “Submit to your husbands,” he says twice, “To your own husbands.” This highlights the closeness and oneness that a husband and wife share together. In marriage, two independent lives become one shared life together (Gen 2:24; Eph 5:31). There is a very real sense in which spouses “belong” to each other.
This minor detail also reminds a Christian wife not to compare her husband to another man. Don’t compare him to the prototypical godly husband you read about in Christian womanhood blogs, hear about from Focus on the Family, and fantasize about in your mind when you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t compare your husband to the other men at church, at work, or in the movies (hah!) who seem to be a better husband that he is, or to previous boyfriends or previous husbands if that’s your situation.
Furthermore, you are no longer to submit to your father (your mother’s wife), your favorite uncle, and so on. You are to submit to your own husband and to no other man, nor should you compare him to any other man in your fantasies or to his face.
Marriage is a good thing.
Let me emphasize the importance and value of marriage. Christian women may study this biblical teaching and conclude that it’s best to remain unmarried but let me assure you that this is a shortsighted perspective for several reasons. It assumes (quite arrogantly) that you are perfectly balanced and complete all by yourself without a husband. It also assumes that there is not a Christian man on the planet who would be balanced and enhanced, blessed and completed by you.
Some Christian women believe that marriage is something to resist indefinitely until a “perfect Christian guy” comes along, while other women divorce their husbands to find a better one. You shouldn’t necessarily marry the first guy who comes your way and claims to be a Christian, but sometimes we wait forever because our expectations are too high.
Heb 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled.” This means that getting married is honorable thing to do and all the benefits of marriage are a good thing and nothing to look down on.
Also, though Scripture recognizes that some women will never marry, it is still an important experience for most women. It teaches life-changing lessons about putting another person first in life. It teaches life-changing truths about Christ and the church that we cannot understand as well because we haven’t experienced the analogies Scripture uses from marriage. After all, what woman knows what submission is like until she’s been married, and what man knows what sacrificial love is like until he’s been married? We understand these truths in theory as singles, but theory becomes reality in marriage.
I won’t pretend it’s easy to be married, but life isn’t about being easy. No spouse will hit a homerun for sure, but it’s a challenge most of us were made to take. Are you as a woman avoiding, resisting, or resenting the idea of marriage when it’s something that should probably do? Are your reasons biblical and godly, or selfish and secular?
Finally, for a wife who resolves to submit to her husband better out of respect for Christ (which I hope that many will do), here is some practical guidance to tuck away.
Communicate with your husband.
Let him know what you think about big and small decisions you make together as a couple and for your family. Speak in a respectful way, not in a threatening, menacing, grimacing, or angry tone. Also, don’t expect your husband to read your mind or to know that a brief passing thought you shared with him last week was actually a very big deal in your mind.
Pray for your husband.
It’s one thing to communicate with him and to share your perspectives and feelings, but it’s another thing to argue and debate him. Let him feel that you trust his leadership and that you support him whatever he decides. Just hearing those words encourages a man to make better decisions more often. Yet throughout the process of making decisions as a couple, pray for your husband. Ask God to give him wisdom to make good choices and ask God to give you the grace you need to be submissive whatever the outcome may be.
Support his decisions and get behind them.
Once your husband has made a final decision, support the decision and get behind it. Most importantly, even if you find it hard to support his decision entirely, keep your doubts to yourself and trust in God. You may be surprised how many times his decisions work out well! Remember, in most cases your husband actually wants to make the right decision, so even when he makes a decision you disagree with, realize that it’s not always a rejection of you and your perspective, but a decision to do what he simply believes is best. Do you really want your husband to agree with all the time? Are you always right?
Whatever you do, don’t turn your distrust of your husband’s decisions into subtle prayer requests at church, gossip at work, and public talk about your husband’s poor decisions. It’s one thing to speak to a trusted, qualified counselor, mentor, or friend about things you are struggling to work through, but it is hurtful for any husband to know that his wife makes his decisions and your personal lives a point of regular public critique.
If your husband makes a decision you disagree with and it turns out well, let him know that you’re glad he made that decision and that you were wrong. And if the decision he makes turns out to be a bad one (and you turn out to be right), then resist the urge to say, “I told you so, you should have listened to me.”
By God’s grace, let me encourage you to improve the spiritual health of your church by improving the spiritual health of your marriage. Together, let’s set cultural viewpoints aside and embrace God’s blueprints for marriage instead. Wives, submit to your husbands out of respect for Christ as Lord and Savior and as you do, depend on the Spirit each step of the way. You’re not alone. As a church, we’re all in this together.
[1] Clinton E. Arnold, Ephesians, Zondervan Exegetical Commentary on the NT (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010), 383.
