Making Your Spouse Happy

A Marriage Talk based on 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

Shifting Gearsfrom Single to Married

In case youdidn’t know already, there are some big advantages to being single. In 1Corinthians 7:32-35, Paul makes this very clear. One notable advantage is thata single person can choose to live in a carefree (but not careless!),undistracted way.

Yet what shoulda single do with this freedom? A wise, gospel-focused single will leverage thisfreedom to serve God earnestly and to advance the gospel boldly rather than to indulgehis or her own selfish interests.

Once you marry,though, you should no longer live as an independent, carefree person. Youshould focus on the things that make your spouse happy instead, even when thosethings don’t necessarily have eternal value.

Once you marry you should focus on the things that make your spouse happy, even when those things don’t necessarily have eternal value.

This newpriority may sound sacrilegious, temporal, or materialistic but it’s not. It isreasonable and honorable in the sight of God. Though serving your spouse shouldnot prevent you from serving God and pursuing gospel interests, it willinevitably limit those pursuits to some degree, but that’s okay.

Let’s pause toconsider how this priority struggle often plays out in our lives.

CarryingSingleness into Marriage

We easily mess up on both sides of marriage, misplacing our focus and misusing our marital status, whether married or not. Before marriage, we tend to use our freedom to indulge in selfish interests rather than serve Christ. Then after we marry, we try to get from our spouse those things that benefit ourselves while continuing to live as an independent single in other respects.

In retrospect,how would you describe your own single, unmarried lifestyle? Did you live forChrist or for yourself? To answer these questions, choose one of the followingreplies:

1. Iparticipated in church activities regularly and involved myself in ministryopportunities frequently.
2. Iparticipated in church activities occasionally and involved myself in ministryopportunities infrequently.
3. Inever participated in church activities or involved myself in ministryopportunities.
4. Ididn’t even believe in Christ as my God and Savior.

If you lived asa self-focused single to some degree (as many of us do), how has yourindependent, carefree mindset carried over into your marriage today (if you’remarried)?

The followingquestions will help you diagnose your current situation. As you answer,consider multiple aspects of your life, whether social, financial, sexual,professional, recreational, technological, and more.

• Namesome ways that you have retained your independence after marriage, whetherintentionally or unintentionally?
• Inwhat ways does your self-orientation cause you to leverage your marriage foryour own benefit?
• Inwhat ways does an ongoing sense of independence cause you to neglect the needs,desires, and happiness of your spouse?

There is a timeand season for everything, including being single and being married (cf. Eccl 3:1-13).So when you marry, you must deliberately “shift gears” from the “single” seasonof life to the “married” season. Many marriages struggle because they fail tomake this deliberate change.

Embracing theHappiness of Your Spouse in Marriage

SometimesChristian husbands and wives attempt to make “spiritual” excuses for neglectingtheir spouse, citing things like spiritual, ministry, and church commitments(cf. 1 Cor 7:5). They may also prioritize extended family relationships toohighly, allowing parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins tosupersede the primary priority of their marriage (Gen 2:24; Matt 19:5; Eph5:31). What’s more, they may also wrongly prioritize their career(s) and/orchildren over their marriage.

The priorities and factors I’ve mentioned are misplaced and intrusive. God expects you to pay attention to the needs of your spouse, first and foremost – to know what his or her needs are and meet them (Eph 5:24-25; 1 Pet 3:7, etc.). You can even say that God wants you to know what makes your spouse happy so you can cause his or her happiness to flourish.

God expects you to pay attention to the needs of your spouse, first and foremost

You shouldalways be learning, growing, and improving at this, no matter how long you’vebeen married. There’s always more to learn, to discover, and to work on. What’smore, the needs and desires of your spouse will change over time as you passthrough various seasons and stages of life together, making this a never-endingadventure and priority.

As a husband or wife, it is your God-given duty to pay attention and discover what these needs and desires might be. Then it is your responsibility to meet those needs and fulfill those desires in reliance upon God. In other words, God intends to meet the needs of your spouse and to make him or her happy through you, not apart from you. As such, marriage is a mutual relationship that consents to meeting one another’s needs and pursuing one another’s happiness in love.

God intends to meet the needs of your spouse and to make him or her happy through you, not apart from you.

• Whatare some general ways that a husband should meet the needs of his wife, makingher feel loved, protected, and cared for?
• Whatare some general ways that a wife should meet the needs of her husband, makinghim feel respected, admired, and at ease?
• Ifyou are a husband, what are some specific, special ways that you can make yourwife happy based upon what you know about her?
• Ifyou are a wife, what are some specific, special ways that you can make yourwife happy based upon what you know about him?

A godly,faithful spouse makes the needs and pleasures of his or her spouse a toppriority. You should do this because of Christ and for God’s glory. Itis the spiritual and godly thing to do – it is God’s will. In doing so, youshould also elevate your spouse’s needs, desires, and happiness above your own.

What steps canyou take today to improve this focus in your marriage today?

*****

A big thanks toeveryone who helped me proofread this Bible study and who offered helpfulfeedback. You know who you are!

One good friendand mentor, Tim Berrey, added thishelpful perspective from church history:  “George Whitefield was a bit famous for vowingthat his marriage wouldn’t change his ministry endeavors at all! Sounds super-spiritualuntil read in the light of 1 Cor. 7! God intends for marriage to affect yourministry! Then there was Jonathan Edwards who, if I remember, spent about anhour a day with his wife--or at least his door was always open to her and herneeds. Whitefield's marriage happened; Edward's was a delight :)