How to Start a Fight with Your Spouse

It’s fascinating to observe that from the beginning of time and start of Scripture, God shines the spotlight on a marriage breakdown. Such arguments and disagreements continue throughout the Bible between spouses like Abraham/Sarah, Isaac/Rebekah, Jacob/Rachel, Moses/Zipporah, David/Michal, Hosea/Gomer, and Ahasuerus/Vashti. Even the man and woman in Song of Songs who were madly in love had a complicated disagreement.

From the Garden of Eden until today, married couples have experienced the special challenge of maintaining relational and spiritual harmony in the home. This is not just a modern phenomenon. It’s as old as the Earth and at the center of human civilization.

Arguments and discord in marriage should not surprise us.

In Genesis 1, we learn that God made everything not simply good but very good (Gen 1:31). What’s more, he placed a man in the ideal setting, the Garden of Eden, then gave him a wife whom God formed directly and organically from the man’s side. There was no mistake. Adam had not married the wrong woman. He had formed a close, trusting union with the very woman God intended for him to marry.

Neither Adam nor Eve – the husband nor the wife – had ever sinned or experienced selfish, sinful desires. If there ever was a marriage that we’d expect to avoid an argument, it would be this one. Yet immediately after we read about this ideal marriage, we discover that they had a dispute. This sudden, unexpected twist is stunning.

When we marry today, we hope to avoid any arguments. We want to experience peace and harmony at home all the time. Then we’re surprised when even the best Christian marriages encounter some turbulence.

• Though arguments in marriage should not occur, they do occur, so it’s best to acknowledge this fact with honesty ahead of time so that it doesn’t surprise us.
• It’s also important to acknowledge this fact afterward, too, so that we don’t give the impression to other people that we have no arguments when we do.

This kind of honesty and transparency about the challenges and realities of marriage helps us not to become discouraged or disheartened when discord arises at home.

You’re not an exceptional case when you face some tension or a dispute in your marriage. Married couples (esp. in a church) should be able to talk about this shared experience with other couples without fear of being viewed as an outcast or abnormal failure. If Adam and Eve experienced some turbulence in their marriage, then we should not be surprised when we face a similar challenge – even with the amazing spouse we’ve married.

We can learn how to reduce and overcome arguments and discord in marriage by examining the first marital dispute.

Though it's helpful to recognize that arguments and disagreements do occur in marriage, it's not helpful to embrace them as acceptable and okay. We shouldn't adopt an "oh well" attitude towards them. Here are some observations and lessons we can draw from the first marriage breakdown in human history. Can you spot some more? Marriage breakdowns occur when:

Stop thinking accurately about God’s Word. (Gen 3:1-5)

Eve either misinterpreted, misunderstood, or disregarded what God had clearly said. When one spouse or another embraces a wrong philosophy of life or an inaccurate understanding of Scripture, then their unbiblical perspective will eventually influence the choices they make and lead to a breakdown in their marriage.

Question for Discussion: What are some sources of unbiblical ideas that can influence our thinking?

Question for Discussion: Why do we so easily develop unbiblical ideas and perspectives?

Stop speaking with your spouse [about God’s Word]. (Gen 3:1-6)

Eve made a pivotal choice without speaking to Adam. This breakdown indicates that she should have consulted with her husband first - not because he knew better but because a couple should communicate together before making key decisions. When husbands and wives fail to consult one another first and to talk together about what God has said on the matter before making crucial decisions, serious marital breakdowns occur,

Question for Discussion: Do you consult with your spouse about key decisions?

Question for Discussion: Do you discuss what God has to say on the matter before making crucial decisions?

Elevate material, selfish, and temporal priorities over God’s priorities. (Gen 3:6)

These priorities often emerge over seemingly unimportant or ordinary things. Consider how the first marital dispute in history didn’t erupt over abuse, adultery, or some other more major problem. It erupted over eating a piece of fruit. Seriously! When we let material needs and desires (money, comfort, hobbies, food, personal preferences, standard of living, entertainment, etc.) govern our priorities in marriage, we easily make “mountains out of mole holes” and lose sight of what’s most important - the kingdom of God (Matt 6:33).

Question for Discussion: What are some silly or minor things that have sparked a major disagreement in your marriage?

Question for Discussion: What are some earthly, temporal, or material topics which have sparked disagreement in your marriage?

Question for Discussion: What are some biblical priorities and teaching which we easily neglect, minimize, or misinterpret as couples?

Defer to your spouse over God. (Gen 3:6)

This is a difficult breakdown to detect because it feels like we’re doing the right thing. When Eve invited Adam to eat the forbidden fruit with her, Adam went along with it, even though it was the wrong thing to do. We should learn to place our spouse’s desires over our own, but we should not place their desires over God’s clear guidance in his Word. In other words, we should do whatever we can to preserve harmony in our homes except disobeying God. If our spouse wants us to disobey God, we should graciously refrain.

Now, we should be sure that we have properly understood God’s Word. Sometimes we think that God’s Word teaches something it does not, so before we risk marital harmony we should be sure to know what God’s Word actually teaches about the situation at hand. We don’t want to disrupt harmony at home unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Question for Discussion: Why is it difficult to say no when our spouse wants to do something that Scripture clearly teaches is wrong.

Withdraw from close fellowship with God. (Gen 3:8-10)

At this point in Adam and Eve’s relationship with each other, it actually seems as though they were still in harmony with each other, and in a sense they were. They were “on the same page together” but they were on the wrong page. To “make their marriage work,” they had disregarded God’s will for their lives as revealed by his Word. Yet such harmony in the home is fragile and temporary. When one spouse disobeys God to maintain harmony with his or her spouse, that may preserve their relationship for a while, but it will fail in the end. Why? Because true, enduring marital harmony is built upon harmony with God. If our vertical, inner, spiritual relationship with God is not intact, then our horizontal, external, social relationship with our spouse will be shallow and short-lived.

Question for Discussion: What are some possible clues that you're allowing temporal harmony in your marriage to diminish or overshadow your relationship with God?

Blame someone else for your problem(s). (Gen 3:12-13)

The husband blamed his wife and the wife blamed Satan. Though each of these accusations was partially correct, shifting the blame to another party doesn’t solve the problem. It only makes things worse and raises the more serious problem of blaming God for the problems in your marriage, yet thousands of years later, we still shift the blame.

How many arguments in marriage devolve into blame-shifting or are caused by blaming your spouse for a problem at home? Rather than say, “I was wrong, please forgive me,” we say, “You were wrong, apologize,” or, “If you’ll apologize then I’ll apologize, too.” Then we may eventually mutter to ourselves, “Why did you let me marry this person in the first place [God]?” and question God’s goodness.

Question for Discussion: Why do we so readily blame our spouse for our marriage problems?

Question for Discussion: What can we do to overcome and reduce our tendency to blame our spouse for problems at home? (take responsibility for whatever we can take responsibility for, pray for and with each other)