How to Start a Fight: An Honest Talk about Arguments and Disagreements in Marriage
Genesis 3:1-24
It’s fascinating to observe that from the beginning of time and start of Scripture, God shines the spotlight on a marriage breakdown. Such arguments continue throughout the Bible between spouses like Abraham/Sarah, Isaac/Rebekah, Jacob/Rachel, Moses/Zipporah, David/Michal, Hosea/Gomer, and Ahasuerus/Vashti. Even the man and woman in Song of Songs who were madly in love had a complicated disagreement.
From the Garden of Eden until today, married couples have experienced the special challenge of maintaining relational and spiritual harmony in the home. This is not just a modern phenomenon. It’s as old as the Earth and at the center of human civilization.
Arguments and discord in marriage should not surprise us.
In Genesis 1, we learn that God made everything not simply good but very good (Gen 1:31). What’s more, he placed a man in the ideal setting, the Garden of Eden, then gave him a wife whom God formed directly and organically from the man’s side. There was no mistake. Adam had not married the wrong woman. He had formed a close, trusting union with the very woman God intended for him to marry.
Neither Adam nor Eve – the husband nor the wife – had ever sinned or experienced selfish, sinful desires. If there ever was a marriage that we’d expect to avoid an argument, it would be this one. Yet immediately after we read about this ideal marriage, we discover that they had a dispute. This sudden, unexpected twist is stunning.
When we marry today, we hope to avoid any arguments. We want to experience peace and harmony at home all the time. Then we’re surprised when even the best Christian marriages encounter some turbulence.
- Though arguments in marriage should not occur, they do occur, so it’s best to acknowledge this fact with honesty ahead of time so that it doesn’t surprise us.
- It’s also important to acknowledge this fact afterward, too, so that we don’t give the impression to other people that we have no arguments when we do.
This kind of honesty and transparency about the challenges and realities of marriage helps us not to become discouraged or disheartened when discord arises at home.
You’re not an exceptional case when you face some tension or a dispute in your marriage. Married couples (esp. in a church) should be able to talk about this shared experience with other couples without fear of being viewed as an outcast or abnormal failure. If Adam and Eve experienced some turbulence in their marriage, then we should not be surprised when we face a similar challenge – even with the amazing spouse we’ve married.
We can learn how to reduce and overcome arguments and discord in marriage by examining the first marital dispute.
Here are some observations and lessons we can draw from the first marriage breakdown in human history. Can you spot some more? Marriage breakdowns occur when:
We stop thinking accurately about God’s Word. (Gen 3:1-5)
Eve either misinterpreted, misunderstood, or disregarded what God had clearly said. When one spouse or another embraces a wrong philosophy of life or an inaccurate understanding of Scripture, then their unbiblical perspective will eventually influence the choices they make and will lead to a breakdown in their marriage.
Personal Reflection: What are some sources of unbiblical ideas that can influence our thinking?
We fail to speak with our spouse about God’s Word. (Gen 3:1-6)
Eve made a pivotal choice without speaking to Adam. This breakdown indicates that she should have consulted with her husband first. When husbands and wives fail to consult one another first and to talk together about what God has said on the matter before making crucial decisions, serious marital breakdowns occur,
Personal Reflection: Do you consult with your spouse and talk together about what God has to say on the matter before making crucial decisions?
We elevate selfish and material priorities over God’s priorities. (Gen 3:6)
These priorities often emerge over seemingly unimportant or ordinary things. Consider how the first marital dispute in history didn’t erupt over abuse, adultery, or some other more major problem. It erupted over eating a piece of fruit. Seriously! When we let material needs and desires (money, comfort, hobbies, food, personal preferences, etc.) govern our priorities in marriage, we make “mountains out of mole holes” and lose sight of what’s most important.
Personal Reflection: What are some silly or minor things that have sparked a major disagreement in your marriage?
We defer to our spouse over God. (Gen 3:6)
This is a difficult breakdown to detect because it feels like we’re doing the right thing. When Eve invited Adam to eat the forbidden fruit with her, Adam went along with it, even though it was the wrong thing to do. We should learn to place our spouse’s desires over our own, but we should not place their desires over God’s clear guidance in his Word. In other words, we should do whatever we can to preserve harmony in our homes except disobeying God. If our spouse wants us to disobey God, we should graciously refrain.
Now, we should be sure that we have properly understood God’s Word. Sometimes we think that God’s Word says something that it does not, so before we risk marital harmony, we should be sure that we know what God’s Word actually teaches about the situation at hand. We don’t want to disrupt harmony at home unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Personal Reflection: Why is it difficult to say no when our spouse wants to do something that Scripture clearly teaches is wrong.
We withdraw from close fellowship with God. (Gen 3:8-10)
At this point in Adam and Eve’s relationship with each other, it actually seems as though they were still in harmony with each other, and in a sense they were. They were “on the same page together” but they were on the wrong page. To “make their marriage work,” they had disregarded God’s will for their lives as revealed by his Word. Yet such harmony in the home is fragile and temporary. When one spouse disobeys God to maintain harmony with his or her spouse, that may preserve their relationship for a while, but it will fail in the end. Why? Because true, enduring marital harmony is built upon harmony with God. If our vertical, inner, spiritual relationship with God is not intact, then our horizontal, external, social relationship with our spouse will be shallow and short-lived.
Personal Reflection: What are some possible clues that your marriage is overshadowing and diminishing your relationship with God?
We blame someone else for our problem(s). (Gen 3:12-13)
The husband blamed his wife and the wife blamed Satan. Though each of these accusations was partially correct, shifting the blame to another party doesn’t solve the problem. It only makes things worse and raises the more serious problem of blaming God for the problems in your marriage, yet thousands of years later, we still shift the blame.
How many arguments in marriage devolve into blame-shifting? Rather than say, “I was wrong, please forgive me,” we say, “You were wrong, apologize,” or, “If you’ll apologize then I’ll apologize, too.” Then we may eventually mutter to ourselves, “Why did let me marry this person in the first place [God]?” and question God’s goodness.
Personal Reflection: Why do we so readily blame our spouse for our marriage problems?
One breakdown in marriage makes it easier to have another.
That’s what happened in Eden, and this tendency continues for us today. Consider the following ways that this plays out.
The challenges of raising children increases in difficulty. (Gen 3:16)
Though this challenge applies directly to wives in particular, we can apply this to marriages in general, too, just as we can with the subsequent observations. Following this marital dispute, God let Adam and Eve know that having children would become more difficult. Though this increased difficulty begins with the childbirth process itself, it continues onward throughout the entire process of raising children in a fallen world. Disagreements in marriage make having and raising children more difficult.
Personal Reflection: How do the challenges of maintaining a harmonious marriage increase the difficulty of raising children?
A desire to take charge increases the difficulty. (Gen 3:16)
Since Adam failed to make the right choice and guide his marriage properly, then Eve would struggle with an ongoing desire to take charge. One marriage breakdown can cause a breakdown in trust between spouses, making it harder to trust one another in future decisions. If a husband gets lost on a road trip, for instance, the wife will want to take charge of the directions the next time they go on a road trip together. This is a silly illustration of the spiritual dynamic that takes place in a marriage when arguments occur.
Personal Reflection: What can a wife do to overcome this tendency in marriage?
A tendency towards unrealistic expectations increases the difficulty. (Gen 3:16)
The phrase “your desire shall be for your husband” also seems to convey the idea that a wife will have unrealistic expectations of her husband. Over time, she comes to expect too much from him rather than loving him for who he is and giving him respect because of the role God has given him in their marriage. The same dynamic can also occur of a husband towards a wife.
Personal Reflection: How can a husband or wife develop realistic expectations for their spouse?
Exhaustion and stress from work increase the difficulty. (Gen 3:17-19)
As a result of the first marital dispute, God said that physical labor and providing material resources for the family would become increasingly difficult and painful. To be sure, breakdowns at home make doing your work more difficult, but the day-by-day challenges of your trade and career make marriage more difficult, too. How many arguments in marriage have been fueled by work-related issues like exhaustion, not earning enough income, working long hours, or letting a job or promotion pull you away from family duties?
Personal Reflection: How have work-related issues complicated your marriage?
The challenges of marriage should motivate us to go forward not give up.
The fact that arguments and disagreements occur in marriage is no reason to avoid getting married, neither is it a reason to abandon your marriage apart from some extreme circumstances that God acknowledges (like adultery, abandonment, and abuse).
Immediately after the first falling out between Adam and Eve, they quickly and resolutely resumed their focus and recommitted themselves to fulfilling their God-given purpose – caring for the world and raising children. Even the challenges (and disappointments) of raising children did not deter them from fulfilling this purpose together. When we move forward in our marriages (rather than resist or withdraw due to difficulty), then we fulfill God’s purpose for our marriage – to make the world a better place and raise children for God’s glory.
Personal Reflection: How have you been tempted to back away from God’s purpose for your marriage due to the challenges of marriage?
It’s by acknowledging and overcoming these challenges that we fulfill God’s purpose for our marriages, not by aiming for perfection and bailing out when we fail. True love perseveres through difficulties and makes a difference for God as a result.
- If Adam and Eve failed in the Garden of Eden, then we should be surprised when we fail, too. quit, then neither should we.
- If Adam and Eve didn’t quit in their marriage, then neither should we – especially since we now have Christ as our Savior, the Spirit as our enabler, the Scripture as our guide, and the church as our supportive community!
