How Should a Husband Show Love to His Wife?

How should a husband show love to his wife?

To build a happy, healthy, God-honoring marriage requires both spouses to recognize the role that God has given to each of them and to learn how to interact with each other with that role in mind. Though other factors and principles certainly apply, a husband will make significant contributions to his marriage by learning how to express genuine love and care to his wife.

Ephesians 5:25-32

Just as Paul encourages wives to respond to their husbands through submission, he encourages husbands to respond to their wives through love. To appreciate what Paul says about this, we should bear in mind the prevailing perceptions of husbands towards their wives in the first-century Roman Empire, when Paul wrote this letter.

Roman men married for neither romance (a lower, somewhat selfish motive) nor service (a more noble approach that marries for the benefit of his wife). He married for the pragmatic purpose of bearing children, esp. boys, to whom he could inherit his estate. To most men a wife was nothing more than a glorified slave. He directed his acts of nobility and self-gratification to other women and would often encourage his wife to do the same.

Christianity encourages a better approach. It encourages husbands to devote themselves wholeheartedly to their wives in every way. They should pursue no other romantic interests and prioritize their noble acts for their wives above all.

To teach husbands to love their wives, Paul used the word agape for love rather than philia (friendship love) or eros (romantic love). This does not mean that he intended to excluded friendship and romance from a husband’s love for his wife, for agape love in this case would include these forms of love for sure.

Agape love extends beyond these other forms of love to include the idea of caring or elevating the needs of another person over your own. We often describe agape love as “self-sacrificing, unconditional, Christlike love,” which is technically true since this is how Christ loves us. Yet it’s perhaps more accurate to simply say that agape love is making the interests and needs of another person your priority rather than meeting their needs only when it’s convenient to do.

There’s another aspect of agape love, however, which demands our attention, one which we usually overlook – that this is the kind of love that a Christian should express to an enemy. Christ taught this nuance when he said, “Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you” (Matt 5:44). He taught us to make calculated, deliberate choices to behave kindly towards people who are difficult and hurtful towards us.

I know this is an extreme example because it refers to antagonistic people in the world, not our wives. Yet Paul speaks to the challenges of marriage directly when he says, “Husband, love your wives,” then adds, “and do not be bitter toward them” (Col 3:19)? But why would a husband be bitter toward his wife? Because wives can behave in frustrating and hurtful ways toward their husbands.

Both wives and husbands can be difficult towards each other. Yet just because a wife is being difficult doesn’t give her husband a free pass to stop loving her. Just as a wife should support her husband’s final decisions even when he’s difficult to follow, so a husband should make choices with his wife’s best interest in mind even when she’s being difficult – worst case scenario, even if she’s acting like an enemy.

To love this way requires that a husband give the same or better attention to meeting his wife’s needs as he does to his own. If he needs something, he buys it. If he’s hurting, he gets the medical care that he needs to heal or improve. If he needs help tackling a project, he gets the assistance he needs from someone somewhere, even if it costs him money. And if he simply wants something that he enjoys, he does that thing or gets it for himself.

• Nourish means to provide proper food and nourishment for someone, to provide what is necessary for someone to be healthy and strong.
• Cherish means to provide someone with comfort, heat, and warmth.

These words call to mind how Paul told Timothy that a man should provide for the needs of his own household (1 Tim 5:8). This responsibility does not prevent wives from working or drawing an income, but it does assign to men the responsibility of providing for the financial needs of the home. Though a wife may earn income, a husband should take it upon himself to earn enough income to meet the needs of his wife and family. If a wife earns income, it should be additional or extraneous (Prov 31:11). She should not feel the pressure of carrying meeting the financial needs of the home.

This is how he should love his wife. If she needs something, he buys it. If she’s hurting, he secures the medical care that she needs to heal or improve. If she needs help tackling a project, he gets the assistance she needs from someone somewhere, or helps her himself, even if it costs him money. And if she simply wants something that she enjoys, he makes it possible for her to do that thing or gets it for her.

Most importantly, a husband should not only care for his wife as he cares for himself, but he should care for his wife as Christ cares for the church. And how does Christ care for the church? He hands over, gives up, commits, yields, abandons, and even risks himself to meet her needs – which includes her spiritual needs but is not limited to that.

Colossians 3:19

I mentioned this verse previously and would like to return to it again. Here Paul again urges husbands to “love their wives” but sets aside any additional, with one exception. He simply adds, “and do not be bitter toward them.”

To be bitter here means to be hold a sharp, bitter taste or feelings towards someone, to be exasperated with someone, to behave angrily or harshly towards someone. No matter how difficult it may seem to be to love your wife and focus on her needs, you should never resort to speaking cynical, harsh, or sharp comments either about her or to her, whether to her alone or in the presence of other people.

Your wife should never be the subject of jokes, whether clever or cruel, neither should they be the focus of snide, sarcastic statements. When words like this occur, you need to examine your heart to determine whether you have allowed feelings of bitterness to develop towards your wife. Confess those feelings to God and renew your reliance on his grace to love your wife as Christ loves you.

Other indicators that you have allowed bitterness to develop towards your wife are that you resort to materialistic, mundane pursuits or to immoral indulgence rather than your energy and efforts on your relationship with your wife instead (see Heb 12:15-16).

1 Peter 3:7

Peter expands our understanding of how Christian husbands should show love to their wives. He says that husbands should “dwell” with their wives. Dwell means to “cohabit, dwell together, live with” someone.

Though this may seem obvious, husbands easily neglect this crucial guidance by withdrawing from the home when marriage gets tough. We do this by spending additional time at work (using work as an excuse to stay away), retreating to the den, garage, or workshop, spending time away with buddies, and engrossing ourselves in hobbies and recreational pursuits. We even do this sometimes by sleeping in separate beds and bedrooms for entirely unnecessary reasons.

Husbands should make deliberate choices to be at home and to spend time together with their wives when they are at home rather than find clever ways to escape. Being at home with his wife should be a husband’s favorite place to be and he should ensure that he does this on a regular, intentional basis. This concept of “dwelling with” or “cohabiting with” your wife implies and includes fulfilling the more intimate aspects and duties of marriage (which 1 Cor 7:1-5 specifies).

With (or according to) understanding describes the approach and mindset that a husband should bring to his marital responsibilities. He should live with his wife considerately. He should learn to identify his wife’s personal, special needs and to adapt and adjust his lifestyle to meet those needs, whether that be in the kitchen or bedroom. Just as she should accommodate his needs, he should also accommodate hers.

In particular, Peter explains that a husband should adapt to meet his wife’s needs as a “weaker vessel.” Vessel here most likely refers figuratively to the wife’s physical makeup. To be sure, some women are much stronger physically than some men, but these scenarios are the exception rather than the norm. In general, even the secular world recognizes this reality by how they distinguish between male and female sports and how the military assigns more physically demanding assignments to men.

To be “weaker” does not mean to be inferior, less important, or less intelligent. To conclude otherwise would be a mistaken view which associates strength, size, and physique with superior inherent value, which is an evolutionary, humanistic perspective. The biblical, Christian perspective understands that all people are equally important and valuable not only in God’s sight but in society at large. In fact, Peter points out that both husbands and wives are “equal recipients” of God’s grace and blessing.

For husbands to respect their wives as the “weaker vessels” warns husbands against using their strength or social position as the leader of the home to abuse, intimidate, manipulate, marginalize, or neglect his wife due to her weaker physique or more vulnerable position. Rather than take advantage of her weaker place or simply take her for granted, he should seek to understand her needs and elevate her opportunities and position in life. Rather than trample on her he should lift her up.

In summary, a husband should make it his number one mission (apart from serving and pursuing Christ) meet the needs and serve the interests of his wife. To do this, he should be around her, spend time with her, listen to her, pay attention to her, understand her needs and desires, meet her needs and desires, and adapt his life, make choices, and adjust his plans to help her fulfill her God-given purpose and improve her standing in the world. He should be her closest friend, most trusted partner, and most devoted supporter and he should show this support through loving words, physical intimacy, and financial and material support.

As he does these things, he should never allow the challenges that this presents to cause frustration and bitterness towards her. He should thank God for her and never convey the idea that he wished she were not his wife but should view and treat her as his most cherished, valued partner and friend in life.